Getting married is one of the most significant personal, legal and financial milestones many people make, and keeping a marriage alive and well takes a lot of ongoing commitment.
Sometimes, despite couples’ best efforts to stay together, marriages come to an end far earlier than either party hoped or predicted. There’s always a risk the process of dissolving a marriage will be messy and acrimonious, but it can be less so if both parties go about it with care and forethought.
Here is some advice from Barry Nussbaum, a Toronto-based family lawyer who has counselled countless couples, about the details you don’t want to neglect when getting divorced.
Don’t try to get divorced without consulting a lawyer
Nussbaum said most people, including himself, tend to be “penny wise and pound foolish” when it comes to addressing life’s problems.
“People generally don’t want to spend money when there’s not a problem,” he told CTVNews.ca in an interview over Zoom, giving the example of a homeowner who doesn’t want to pay $300 for preventative maintenance on their home air conditioning system.
“Then it breaks, and the guy comes and fixes it, and it costs $10,000,” he said.
“Same thing with a family lawyer. Sit down with a lawyer before you pull the trigger and find out what your rights and obligations are. Don’t start taking things into your own hands and then get a lawyer to fix it, which costs ten times as much money.”
Don’t put off conversations about the kids
With some exceptions, such as if one spouse poses a threat to the other or their children, Nussbaum said couples with kids should agree on some kind of custody schedule and child support arrangement early on in the process of separating.
“Don’t leave with the children and not give parenting time to the other parent, unless there’s a protection concern with the other parent seeing the children, or for yourself,” he said.
“The flip side of it is, don’t not pay child support. Even if you’re not seeing your kids, give support. It may not feel good because you guys aren’t getting along, but it’s very important to pay support right away.”
In addition to being the moral and ethical thing to do, Nussbaum said parents who carry their weight also look better if the divorce proceeds to court.
“And the flip side is true also,” he said. “When you don’t pay support, you look bad. You don’t look like you care.”
Don’t forget to have your documents organized
Going through divorce is stressful enough without the scramble to find missing tax documents and other paperwork, and Nussbaum said missing paperwork can slow down the process for everyone.
“If you need to file in court, have your tax returns for the last three years, your notices of assessment and pay stubs,” he said.
“If there’s joint accounts, make sure you have access to them, and the credit cards as well.”
Nussbaum said you don’t need to notify your bank if you’re divorcing, but you should inform your lawyer if you’re worried your former spouse might try to empty any shared bank accounts.
Don’t claim joint assets as your own without consulting your lawyer
Speaking of shared assets, Nussbaum said it’s a bad idea to try to claim ownership over something you both share without going through a legal avenue. Not only could it be to the detriment of your family, but it doesn’t look good in court.
For example, let’s say the family car is in dad’s name, but mom uses it to drive the kids around. Dad has moved out of the family home, and mom has stayed there with the kids and the car. One night, dad takes his spare set of car keys over to the house and leaves with the car.
Nussbaum said it would technically be legal, but “if you get in front of a judge and tell them, ‘I took it because it’s my asset,’ you aren’t going to get the mercy of the court when you behave that way. Never mind that it’s morally improper. It ain’t going to be good for your case.”
Ultimately, he said, it’s best for all parties if they can treat each other with fairness and civility. There are extreme scenarios where that’s not so realistic, but it’s usually possible if both partners try.
“Honey catches more flies than vinegar,” Nussbaum said. “It’s very hard sometimes, but if you’re able to let cooler heads prevail, you’ll be more successful in your negotiations.”